i've been searching for direction in all the wrong places my whole life. conpanionship, drink, etc. looking for an answer is harder on the body and mind than actually taking a genuine interest in providing your own answer. easily, i can blame boredom for that compulsive ornery trigger in my brain that rationalizes partying. maybe i should rename partying into stuff i do when i don't have any better ideas of how to handle myself.
meditation picture borrowed courtesy of a Dr. H. Salazar.
it's been a while since i last seriously drew or doodled. i mean, looking at the thing you are going to create, analyze it, come up with an idea, and then sketch it out, add detail, create color. all the while, keep focused! focus is a place in my head and what i feel going through my eyes to my hand when nothing else exists and nothing can stop me. the last time i actually focused on something that detailed was during a really depressive period of my life. it seems like all of my writing and art faltered when i stopped doing painful things to myself. i dont necessarily think that pain is the only thing fueling my creativity but it sure does seem like my brain recieves painful inspiration easier than lets say everyday moments of happiness.
why is that? this swami i went to see in venice beach tonight really made me question the material things that i drag into my self and how they cloud our judgment of things. how we see the world, ourselves, others, and reality. he said that our dreams represent our reality. and that we all dream. he said something like, life is a dream and dreams are life. that's really summarizing it. but, i'm glad my good friend carla influenced me to go. her life has changed seemingly over a few short months. i needed this. when i said yes to her on the phone that i would go i felt like it was my soul or whatever it is inside of me trying to say to me that there's something in my way. and maybe that something is myself.
am i in my own way? are we all forcing shadows and visions on ourselves that really don't exist? the swami told us to do this exercise with a partner/friend that was there. me and carla stared at each other, sitting on the floor, staring directly in the center of each others forehead. the 3rd eye he called it. i think that's what he was referring to. anyways, it was hard to keep a straight face and to stop giggling. i could tell that was interrupting everyone else so i really tried to change my perspective and to take what was going on with a clearer mind and with more calmness. after all the giggles were out and me and my friend began the stare-off, like truely looking at each other, i began to see her face move. her face had life. it had different shades, pigments, marks, and lines that made her face come alive. she's alive, of course! but there was something different i noticed - she changed. my mind was coming up with things to fill in the details of her face and her being. the swami said that we do this sort of distortion to all things and to ourselves. that's when it hit me. i've been doing this my whole life - filling in the lines, faces, lives, meanings, and everything else to all the people around me.
the material world.
the dream world.
the conscious.
the subconscious.
reality.
illusion.
are these people my friends and family and people? or are they just extensions of my ideas and memories?
ahhh so confused.
i'm going to go off and do that staring exercise where i sit in front of a mirror and stare at my 3rd eye and everything warps and comes alive.
you should try it. then afterwards meditate.
i'm going to also continue working on my dream sketches.
xo
p.s. next week WEDNESDAY is the swami's last meeting in the u.s.a.! let me know if you want to go and get some great metaphysical braingasm!
